I Once Lived Life Atop a Bartop

Ed: Perhaps you all mean well. However, you do realise that all this information you are feeding me is driving me crazy. It is changing the person I used to be and it is making me more cynical, jaded, and emotionally weary that I ever thought I would be.

Maybe it was my fault for being so curious, and maybe this curiousity of mine has unwittingly unleashed a whole Pandora's box that never should have been opened.

But please spare me. Let me be blissfully ignorant. Let me be the sucker, if you think I am one. Perhaps he is a monster. Perhaps he is all the horrible things you say he is. But you do realise that this not hurting him. It is hurting me. It is wrecking my life with insecurity, sleepless nights, crying fits and bouts of emotional moodiness. And pray tell, what have I done to incur this much hurt and pain?

Knowing the past has destroyed more of my happiness than you will ever know, when in the place, it should never have been relevant to the present. I opened the box, and I took a peek. But please, please close it back. I do not want to know anymore unless whatever has happened has happened in the present.

Please stop. I cannot take this anymore. Please don't break me.

PS: This post is directed not just at one person but a handful of idunnowhos. Where they come from, I don't know. How they find me, I don't know either. Who they are, I am clueless as well, and how they know us, I have absolutely no idea. It freaks me. So please stop.

Also, the tagboard has been taken down. Anything to say, email me. Thanks.

Too many things have happened, and I'm uncomfortable that readers are discovering who we are. Thank you for reading my stories, for delighting in my happiness and sharing in my pain all at the same time.

Perhaps it's timely that I close this blog. I started it when I was bartop dancing, and now I've stopped, leaving the title of this blog, well, slightly irrelevant.

Also, I do not want to know. I do not want to know things if they have no place in the present. Call me blinded, deluded, cowardly. Perhaps I am all of these things. Through my blog, every one of my readers has gone away with the impression that I am a much stronger person that I can rightfully take credit for. Through my blog, you discover not me, but my persona. In many instances, the person I seem like here is the kind of person I want to be, not who I really am.

I will resurface soon. As someone else, somewhere else. I need a space to write, to air my feelings, and besides, like many of us, I am a narcissist, and I need an audience.

Thank you, Prick, Ouchie, r, AsH, wednesday, sinister, anna, Adrian, manmisbehaved, steve, Nostalgic, priscilla, imp, Xtralicious, Ivan, Vandalin, crys, vhessa, Potato, cocaine, Celly, Barffie, and everybody else I might have missed out.

You can still email me at dirty_dncr@yahoo.com.sg

About Me

I'm a hopeless attention seeking little vainpot, and I used to get my kicks as a bartop dancer by night and a writer by day.

What you may or may not want to know about me

Random Thoughts

All men are bastards. You just have to find one who isn't a bastard to you.

What I Am Reading

Fast Food Nation
- Eric Schlosser

Movie I Last Saw

The Departed
- Martin Scorsese

Dreamgirls
- with Beyonce and Jennifer Hudson

Babel
-Alejandro Inarritu

The Last King of Scotland
-the one with Forest Whitaker

Who I Am

A bartop dancer
A disbeliever in God
An expert in Singlish
Passionate about life
Singaporean, I hate it
Chinese yet not Chinese

More About Me

Rich kids
Girlie bars
Boot fetish
Writer by day
Pink neon lights
Britney and Beyonce

Dancing with sleaze
Writer by day, dancer by night